It's been a little bit since I've put my thoughts on here.
In my previous post, I mentioned moving with a toddler. Well, We moved! We're officially moved into our new house and we love it here. Lot's of "Whys" from people... of course. Well, because it was good for us and timing was right! Truth be told.. we dream of siblings for Eleanor but we aren't quite ready to add to our team. But we were ready for more space. We were so nervous about how Eleanor would transition though. She saw me packing her toys and books, taking things off the walls and I was so worried she thought her world was crumbling and would be so confused. But, to our surprise, she was great! She was so resilient. We kept her routine exactly the same despite the changes and it was a smooth transition. Unpacking and getting settled was a whole other discussion but a huge shout out to our friends who not only offered to help but actually helped. And in multiple ways! It's a really good feeling having people in your life who you would trust your little one with, without you there. And sometimes not just physical help but also sharing the excitements that have come along for you. So yinz guys... if you're reading this. Thank you!
The whole move has been a really good indication for me and how far I've come with working on myself. Eleanor has a Sesame Street book that we read at bedtime called “love on Sesame Street.” It’s such a cute book and each page has a sentence that is truly a nice message. The one page speaks to me... Oscar the grouch is on the page and it says “love is, accepting life when when it’s messy.”
It’s no secret now if you’ve ready my posts that mess is a huge struggle of mine. Especially when it came to Eleanor I feared what other people would think if she came across as messy in the slightest. Which is why I hesitated for so long giving her actual food or even purées in public and even in the privacy of our own home I would cry when it was on her face and hands or even on the floor. It caused my heart to race and I couldn’t take it. After a lot of work... I’ve really come to terms with it. I’m proud to say that Eleanor is thriving with trying new (messy-ish) foods like pasta (with a little bit of sauce).... I never said I wasn’t a work in progress lol. But she LOVED watermelon this summer and boy is it messy!
Over the past couple months, we celebrated Ellie's half birthday and girlfriend lived her best life and had a cupcake after dinner! I sat there and smiled at her little face and hands covered in icing. She was so happy. She ate every last bite and proceeded to put her hands on her face to play peek a boo after and some of it got in her hair. It was such a huge success for me... I was so proud of myself. Old Brittany wouldn’t have let something like that happen let alone let her have such a messy treat.
People on the outside didn’t necessarily see me struggle here.. in some cases I wasn’t even comfortable letting anyone know that this ate me up inside.. and I guess it’s only the people that genuinely ask “how you are” are the ones that really want to know.
We went on a little vacation in August, and actually made it down to the beach even after I dreaded the mess of the sand. Ellie of course threw a few tantrums and threw herself into the sand. I mean COVERED! Did I love watching that moment happen right before my eyes? Hell No! I was cringing and couldn't wait to hose off. But she loved the feeling of it and we loved watching her play on the beach. I never saw my self accepting this normality. Going to the beach and letting her play and explore and getting enjoyment from it vs. sweating with anxiety.
The message here is progress not perfection. I’m not perfect, even though I wish I could be. I’ve come a long way accepting the mess and life "even when it is messy." It’s more than just food mess though. It’s life's “mess” like not being on time, or having things not go as planned. Not having everything unpacked, living out of your clean clothes basket. Setting boundaries and saying "NO" if it doesn't work for our family or for Eleanor's schedule. It's accepting life with a toddler and not everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows. If you’re “type A” like me; that can be really hard to accept sometimes. But If there is something you’ve conquered or come a long way with.. celebrate it! Celebrate the small wins... like smiling when your LO is exploring and enjoying every single bite of her messy dessert, or when there's sand on every little crevasse of her body. Celebrate the "oh whatever" response to not putting away the laundry Or celebrate a moment that didn’t go as planned or when you made lemonade with lemons. Celebrate making the appointment to talk to someone about your anxiety, even if you haven't gone yet. Celebrate talking to your spouse about what's actually going on and what your triggers are. Celebrate that unfollow on IG that makes you feel like crap about yourself. Celebrate the realization of who sticks by your side when life IS messy. Celebrate the smallest effort you put forth into whatever it is that needs tweaked in your life. You can't get to where you're going without giving yourself credit for taking the first steps. What's your small W for the day?